Beth was surprised at my relative smooth sailing a few days ago and asked, “How come you’re OK?” I'm the one who is supposed to be frail and fall apart under stress. Does my placid demeanor and occasional wisecrack mean I don’t care? Clearly not. I just seem to be taking this in stride better than either of us expected.
However, I have found myself softly cursing breezy FB posts with
updates about all the nice, superficial things going on in others’ lives. The
world kept turning for them. Don’t they know the world now revolves around Chelsey
and our family, and it may never be the same? I know rationally that that
is silly, dysfunctional, and melodramatic. I still feel that way at times.
Sorry. I don’t begrudge you your happiness, vacations and pictures of puppies
and yummy desserts. Much.
I’ve
wondered if one can care about another’s hardship without being troubled,
worried, or moved. How much do I really care about others’ trouble when it
has not occupied much of my time or attention? If my life goes on 99.9% the
same as before while the other’s is in chaos, how close are we? Our lives may
not be as intertwined as I thought in some cases, and they may be more
intertwined than I thought in others. This is more a reflection about me than
about anybody else, and it’s taught me a bit about myself and who I want to
become.
Congrats on taking it in stride, Dad. I think it's wonderful to have that, even though I know you have also been heartbroken over this.
ReplyDeleteI've thought a lot about others being unmoved. At the same time that I really appreciate others' love and support, some people (very caring people, who I think just don't know what to say) have asked me really casually about how I am doing. I always think - you don't understand. This is earth shattering. Why aren't you shattered, or at least seeing the shattered-ness in my world?