Russel went solo yesterday. I (Beth) think we have cumulative tiredness, so it is hard to blog the day we visit, and we catch up the next morning. At first Russel was thinking maybe she'd be able to come home soon. But then as he told me about the visit, he realized, "Wait a sec - she's still wacked out! It's just that my standard for normal has plummeted." He said she was again very chatty, but she had more thoughts that were disordered, grandiose, delusional or suicidal.
- She was excited to discover how to condense years of experiences into a single split second. Russel couldn't follow her explanation about how.
- She wants to be an elementary teacher so she can teach small children to become defense attorneys in only a few months.
- She can erase bad thoughts and memories by washing her head.
- She thought of the perfect suicide crime ("...UMMM, not that I'd do it. It's just hypothetical. I just like to, umm, you know, daydream about perfect crimes and suicide.") You could train an animal to attack you with a given cue. Then people watching would think it was a random attack and not a suicide.
The doctor hasn't had time to get back to us yet. We have no idea if her treatment is going to work, if more meds will be required, or if this will become her new normal.
We have four weeks before Russel and I were each supposed to start intensive school programs, mine in Nursing and his in Couples and Family Therapy. We wouldn't be able to make daily 4 hour trips to Baltimore and do both. When she comes home, we can't watch her 24/7 and do both. The developmental disabilities administration is setting up to provide some in-home help, but they aren't trained for mental illnesses. I'm exhausted, I come home from visits and can't focus on the other things I should do to keep the home running. I feel very unsure about the future.
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