7/13 - Setback and What Has Helped

Chelsey is still calm, handling showers/bathrooms just fine, and steering clear of suicidal talk. She even seems happy. She was grounded in reality for part of the visit and still knows why she’s in the hospital. In her sing-song happy voice, she said, “I’m on medication now. I like re-learning how to feel about stuff.”

However, she wandered back into disordered thoughts. She’s pretty sure she’s a cyborg today, and Sam Flynn may be real after all. She still wants to be home and back with her family, but it’s partly because we all have hive mind and belong together (like the Buggers in Ender’s Game).

I guess setbacks shouldn’t surprise us. Meds don’t reach full therapeutic levels overnight, and we may need a little more time on the same path before reaching conclusions. We don’t know what this does to the timeline for coming home. Maybe she’ll be back on track and we can re-assess over the weekend, when visiting hours are longer. The doc talked with us in person last Saturday, and we’re hoping that he can do it again tomorrow.

Tonight, we tried to keep some perspective by listing what has helped us most during this time.

Russel’s list

• Beth. We’re on the same page and very close right now.
• Expressions of support, questions, and kind gestures. Knowing that others care about us and Chelsey; we’re not alone.
• Self-care habits and schedule flexibility to maintain them. I’m grateful that back in April I set resolutions to reinforce basic good habits (e.g., sleep, meditation, exercise, journaling about positive stuff). I’ve maintained them with the exception of a few days at the peak of the crisis. There’s no way I would have started or maintained the good habits once the problems began if they had not already become ingrained. Standing racquetball appointments have been a lifeline.
• Dinner, snacks, or a treat on the way home from the hospital.
• Some creative outlet or low-stress project to occupy my mind in constructive, goal-oriented ways. Writing has helped. I’ve also enjoyed a woodworking project. Sometimes I do haiku while driving. The one below came while figuring out how to keep wood stain from leaking from one section of a piece to another, creating a messy blended color that I didn’t intend.

What bleeds besides flesh?

Watercolors, wood stain, will,

Self, morphed over time.

Beth’s list

• Russel. J  He makes me happy and keeps me together.
• Family and friends.
• Not doing all the exercise and list I would otherwise do.  I give myself freedom to not do it.
• I’d say chocolate, I keep hunting the house for it, but I’m probably glad we don’t have any.  Otherwise I’d have gained 15 pounds so don’t give me any. J