Closure and Eulogy? A Begending

It feels like this blog and the experience itself is trailing off with a sigh rather than with proper closure. This has been an amazing, horrible, and beautiful transition in our family. It deserves some kind of grand memorial service or party to mark its passing into the next life of new normalness. What belongs in the eulogy of a crisis? What can we take away from the tumult of the last few months?

Beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate both the gifts and the challenges that the crisis named Chelsey Come Home (CCH) brought to our lives. Here are highlights of how CCH touched us.

Crisis as the Best (and only?) Time to Change. CCH reminded us that meaningful change often involves upheaval and pain that forces us to re-examine our rules for life. The idea of Chelsey living in a group home was always a distant, unlikely possibility that probably would have never become a reality without serious pain to trigger the change. I probably would have never tried a healthy career change without the triggering pain of a major depressive episode. We would not have seriously re-assessed our goals, Chelsey's independence, and our long-term relationship with Chelsey without CCH's brutal embrace. Scriptures in various traditions emphasize humility and broken hearts as critical to growth; crises are one means to that if you have the right attitude.

Crisis also seems to generate energy for change and reflection. I now have no energy for this blog, and very little of interest to say about CCH now that the problems are less salient. It's when we're embroiled in the trouble that we have a brief window of intense insight. You have to capture that insight and make some of the most important decisions of your life at the very time when you're least objective and perhaps at your weakest emotionally. Perhaps we're closest to our true self in some sense when we're at our weakest. I don't know.

Appreciation of the Bright Side. Richard Bach says that we're never faced with a problem that does not bear a gift in its hands. Positive psychology emphasizes gratitude amid challenge as critical to happiness and meaning. Therapy models I'm learning in school emphasize the importance of how we frame our challenges in building our resilience; we can tell the same story from many different angles, including those that emphasize our roles as conquering heroes and cohesive families with a bright future. CCH taught us to appreciate the bright side, and here are key aspects of the basic story we've chosen to tell about the experience.

• Chelsey is the hero of the story. Drawing on her already superhuman courage and persistence, she conquered yet another obstacle that would have crushed most people to dust. There are so many ways that this experience could have led to utter disaster - for example, life as an isolated, drugged vegetable in an institution - yet she has fought successfully to rise above the challenge.
• Chelsey overcame a variety of challenges to move through mainstream schools, graduate from high school, and transition to productive adulthood. Conquering CCH could be viewed as part of her graduation to adulthood, a trial by fire that marks her readiness to embrace the future. Dealing with her past challenges is what prepared us for this one. CCH could be viewed as a tailor-made, natural next step in our progression.
• Chelsey and our family are better off for having had this experience. We would not have chosen it, but it has worked to our advantage.
• Chelsey's group home is better for both her and her parents. It opens the door to greater independence and growth in new directions that would have remained unexplored. Through her group home and day program resources that CCH facilitated, Chelsey has broader opportunities for jobs, activities, and social interactions as a productive, engaged adult.
• Chelsey has regained a lot of her zest as the meds have been reduced, but without the extreme make-believe focus from her earlier OCD. Trade-offs remain, but in some ways she is more lucid and better at interactions.
• We're closer and stronger than we were, both individually and as a group. Chelsey expresses love far more readily than ever before. We appreciate each other and how we supported each other through the trouble. I'm biased, but I have to say that I'm quite impressed with the other members of my family.
• We have deeper empathy, compassion, and love for each other. More important than tangible pros and cons, the experience has shaped our character for good.
• CCH deepened our resources and relationships outside of the family. An entire cast of supporting characters in the story showed how much we are loved and protected from harm.
• Chelsey and her family are whole, just fine as we are. We do things differently than some, but there is no sense of martyrdom or personal damaged goods associated with the challenge.
• The future surely holds more challenge, but we are better positioned to embrace it as it comes.

Miscellaneous Lessons Learned

• Forceful self-advocacy is key to survival in the healthcare system. Nobody knows our situation as well or cares as much. Leaving care decisions and execution in somebody else's hands without constant monitoring is sheer folly.
• Trust your gut and trust each other.
• Kindness, kindness, kindness. That is what we remember most looking back, and it is what helped the most. In helping those in crisis, the effort of reaching out is far more important than the specific action. I can't say how much we valued simple supportive FB posts and questions about how we were doing. I was puzzled in some cases by silence and apparent lack of caring by some who I considered close. Saying something, anything, to show concern is important. Little things matter. Don't underestimate your power to help.

Every ending is a beginning for something else, every finish also a start. We need a word like begending or startish to acknowledge that this is just one step in an ongoing journey. Still, it's an important milestone and cause for celebration that we've reached it. As we mark the passing of CCH from crisis to new normalness, we will look back with gratitude at how the experience touched our lives for good.